Oh for the love of...

I am not winning mother of the year.  Phew!  I feel better already.  Here is a list of my transgressions in the last 24 hours:

• Lying about the time so that my oldest will go to sleep when she is tired versus when the clock gives her a number she likes.
• Further lying by telling her it was light out because it was a special sun holiday and therefore, it "really, really was night-time".
• Skipping three pages in the worst Cat in the Hat series book ever and refusing to go back and read them when caught.  It was the book or my sanity and frankly, I'm the one paying the rent.
• Finally, losing my patience and refusing to let Miss 4 leave the dinner table last night until she ate her dinner.  ( I am really, really tired of the "I'm hungry.....  I'm not eating that.  I'm already full" game.

I longed for children, and on nearly every day since they were born, I have been grateful for them.  Four days of non-stop Mommy time has made me long for the days when I could lie in a chaise lounge in the sun, tempting sunburn and read a book or nap.  Mommy's batteries are getting a bit low.  My low-memory indicator is in the flashing mode and frankly, I think we are facing a disastrous Mama meltdown.

My upbringing is one of total deference to the task of raising children.  My parents did without, sacrificed and placed my sister and I at the top of their hierarchy.  I'm grateful to them, but what I'm finding is that in doing so myself, there is nothing left for Mama.  I can't allow myself to hire a sitter and do something independently because I feel guilty for being a working mom and not spending all of my downtime with my kids.  I feel guilty for spending money to do something for myself, without them.   I feel guilty.  Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

I know that it's time for a change because I caught myself snarling at a magazine that offered advice on parenting; "Oh yeah?  Well I'll get you my pretty and your little twenty-something,photo-shopped, never-had -a-C-section, bikini-clad spokesperson too!" 

I don't yet know what it will be, but in the words of Sheryl Crow,  "A change will do you good."