Last night Miss 4 committed a particularly egregious act of sibling nastiness against Little One. It was clearly premeditated and unprovoked. It was a power-play; a total act of bullying. I may or may not have over-reacted and sent Miss 4 immediately to bed. By which I mean no stories, no lullaby, no snuggling and cuddles. It was in fact nearly bed-time. For nearly an hour she wailed and flailed and sobbed and moaned theatrically. When the tempest was over, I went to her room and the following conversation unfolded.
"Miss 4, I will always love you. I will also always love Little One. I have enough love for both of you. I will not ever, EVER, let one of you hurt the other one on purpose"
"But sometimes it doesn't feel like you love me."
"I always love you, even if I don't like the thing you are doing. I love you even when I'm mad at you."
"It doesn't feel like you love me at all."
"I do. I show you that I love you when I read to you, do projects with you, help you brush your teeth, keep you safe, snuggle you to sleep, and when I keep you and your sister safe. I have enough love for both of you."
"I think you only love my sister."...
The conversation lasted much longer, but this is the blow I'm still reeling from. I too am an oldest child with a younger sister. I remember feeling like my parents loved my sister more because she was little and cute and never got in trouble. Is it just a stage that kids, particularly oldest kids, go through?
I do know that there are times when I find myself expecting more, (too much?), from Miss 4 because she is older and I question whether I am giving her enough outward love and approval. I also know that there are times when Little One takes a nap and we get to do big kids things together and I thoroughly enjoy the benefit of her age. Does she know how cool I think she is?
So, here is my quandary; I don't want to give too much power to "You don't love me..." because she is sure as shootin' smart enough to use THAT against me indefinitely. I also don't want to ignore a genuine feeling of imbalance, despite my attempts to give her the best of me as frequently as I can. Pairing this with recent research that you can actually cause unintentional damage to a child's self-esteem and self-worth by providing too much praise and affirmation, what is a Mama to do?
This morning I have to content myself with the following thought:
“Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”
Yes. There is enough.
"Miss 4, I will always love you. I will also always love Little One. I have enough love for both of you. I will not ever, EVER, let one of you hurt the other one on purpose"
"But sometimes it doesn't feel like you love me."
"I always love you, even if I don't like the thing you are doing. I love you even when I'm mad at you."
"It doesn't feel like you love me at all."
"I do. I show you that I love you when I read to you, do projects with you, help you brush your teeth, keep you safe, snuggle you to sleep, and when I keep you and your sister safe. I have enough love for both of you."
"I think you only love my sister."...
The conversation lasted much longer, but this is the blow I'm still reeling from. I too am an oldest child with a younger sister. I remember feeling like my parents loved my sister more because she was little and cute and never got in trouble. Is it just a stage that kids, particularly oldest kids, go through?
I do know that there are times when I find myself expecting more, (too much?), from Miss 4 because she is older and I question whether I am giving her enough outward love and approval. I also know that there are times when Little One takes a nap and we get to do big kids things together and I thoroughly enjoy the benefit of her age. Does she know how cool I think she is?
So, here is my quandary; I don't want to give too much power to "You don't love me..." because she is sure as shootin' smart enough to use THAT against me indefinitely. I also don't want to ignore a genuine feeling of imbalance, despite my attempts to give her the best of me as frequently as I can. Pairing this with recent research that you can actually cause unintentional damage to a child's self-esteem and self-worth by providing too much praise and affirmation, what is a Mama to do?
This morning I have to content myself with the following thought:
“Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”
Yes. There is enough.
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