Today I read an article about spanking.
Let me say this; I was always opposed to spanking and felt that it did absolutely no good. I have staunchly supported those who would never, ever spank their children, and at one time counted myself among their ranks. In my subsequent parenting of two children, I have *cringe* spanked. It was out of sheer desperation and yet I know, the fact that I won't do it in the middle of the grocery store or the local library is an indication of how wishy-washy at best I feel about defending it.
And it is completely ineffective in our case. All that happens is an already taxed and tired Mama is now additionally upset and overwhelmed with guilt and increased frustration.
Both of my daughters are going through a
Daddy phase. So much so that a co-worker
recently asked me how long I had been a single parent as my children referred
to "Daddy's house" and "Daddy's day" so frequently that she
assumed we were not together. Lately,
Daddy is the only one who can make it better, and I'm the one who is home more often. Daily, I hear "I want my Daddy!"
. (Usually
at a time when I wish that I could "I Dream of Jeannie" blink myself
out of here and am holding on by a toenail and an eyelash.)
After venting about this recently, I was subsequently told that my
"real" problem is that I expect to have control of my children. At first I protested loudly and then I
realized that maybe I do expect some level of control. A few days out, I'm thinking that maybe I'm
not looking for control so much as compliance in certain circumstances. And as much as I think that my children
have a right to be who they are, separate from myself, I know that I also want
them to be, in some ways, well-behaved on demand.
Tonight though, I had a moment of
perspective. To quote Dave Matthews, it's about "the space between". My children are not always nice; not always
calm; not always gentle with each other, their surroundings, belongings or
their Mama's heart. But, in between
those gut-wrenching moments, there are moments that make me proud. When
Miss Five spontaneously apologized to Little One for calling her names
before I could intervene, I knew that she does have compassion and remorse. When Little One offered her doctor's office
reward to her big sister who had not received one, I saw the seeds of a human
being who is able to think of others and put aside her own wishes for a moment. As we settled into our bedtime routine,
Little One said "Miss Five really is brave too Daddy", I had a moment
of seeing the hero worship that a younger sibling has and that an oldest never
really truly appreciates for the gift that it is.
And so, tonight, I still have no idea what
I am doing but I resolve (again) to parent with as much calm as I can muster, make apologies where they are due,
and trust that in the spaces between we are finding our way and learning from
one another and hopefully, loving each other a little more and a little better
than the moment before.
Let me say this; I was always opposed to spanking and felt that it did absolutely no good. I have staunchly supported those who would never, ever spank their children, and at one time counted myself among their ranks. In my subsequent parenting of two children, I have *cringe* spanked. It was out of sheer desperation and yet I know, the fact that I won't do it in the middle of the grocery store or the local library is an indication of how wishy-washy at best I feel about defending it.
And it is completely ineffective in our case. All that happens is an already taxed and tired Mama is now additionally upset and overwhelmed with guilt and increased frustration.
