It all began with a return to sledding. I mean, doesn’t it always? How many times have major life decisions been
influenced by the desire to throw yourself onto a thin piece of plastic, race
at a breakneck pace down a hill while adjusting your vertebrae without benefit
of chiropractic school, and the desire to do so while not getting wet. Just me?
Huh…I thought there’d be more of you.
Regardless, this year my children are all old enough to sled
with little-to-no assistance. What that
doesn’t mean is that they WILL do it alone.
Just that they could. Hence the
need for bum-covering, warmth-providing, water-repelling pants.
As always, I go to Amazon.
If you cannot get it in two days from Amazon while not having to leave
your house with three terrorists under the age of ten, I don’t need it. What continues to amaze me, in no small part
due to my total ignorance of how the internet “really” works, is that I can go
online looking for one thing and somehow the search function will read my
subconscious mind and retrieve the thing I didn’t know I needed.
For example, in the search box I typed in “snow pants” and
to my surprise what I got was certainly bum-covering, but not what I was
anticipating, nor something I would have guessed existed. Apple-bottomed derriere enhancing
undergarments. Falsies for your
tush. While this might make the
downward hurtling over ice and snow less hurtful, it will not, I guarantee not,
keep you warm or dry. (Unless you simply
stay inside as pants are no longer your friend.) perhaps “snow pants” was interpreted as “no
pants”?
Then comes the fun part.
Finding what you were actually looking for in the first place. I tried board pants, which led me to
something like late 80’s Jams. And then
snow bibs, which brought me to a festive array of infant covering. And then finally snowpants. Which brought me leggings with
snowflakes.
So here is the final search trajectory that brought me to
pants worn outdoors in the snow. Apparel
->women’s -> outerwear->snow-> athletic -> pants. Well, that’s efficient isn’t it? And thorough.
There was absolutely no way I was gonna stumble onto those pants
unawares now was there. If only the same
could be said for the apple-tush harness of death.
Finally, there are, believe it or not, women out there that
are over 5’9 and have an inseam of longer than 29”. I know.
I know. We should all stay inside
unless we have the grace to be born at a perfect size 2 and able to wear sample
sizes, however I didn’t get that memo until way too late. I am tall in a lot of directions.
So here I am, about to don my snow pants for the first
time. They are genderless. They are basic black. They are ugly as sin. But they are warm, tall, and dry. My arse is covered and as protected as one
can be just short of watching the fun from the sidelines.
And Amazon. I’m onto
you now. The next time I need something
basic, like printer cartridges, I’ll know to steer clear of anything too
direct. I’ll amble and mosey my way
through all of the related search terms I can think of in the hopes of landing
where I want to be on the first try.
