I discovered a few things this weekend about language and its flexibility. And how hysterical the innocent commentary of children can be when faced with this multiplicity. And finally, how carefully crafted an Internet search needs to be unless you are prepared for ALL possible interpretations.
Let me start you off old school. In the early days of having a computer with Internet service, I would enthusiastically unplug the phone jack from the phone, dutifully plug it into the appropriate computer opening and begin the multi-step, auditory assault that was AOL dial-up. Because I typically lived in the backside of beyond, this was a several minute process. But the Internet and its wonders were new to me and this was all worth it, to be able to look for anything I wanted to know about and have it in 8.3 minutes.
And on this particular day I wanted to know more about my favorite band and when they were playing a concert venue in a nearby state. Like a boss, I typed in "Barenaked Ladies"....and although it was not instant realization, (again, dial-up), it was pretty darn quick that I realized my mistake. I cannot unsee what I have seen....My eyes. They burn like a thousand suns!
Flash forward a year to the days of many reports being written in college settings and the days of my good friend spell-check. Finishing my Family Systems final paper in the wee hours, I relied heavily on Mr. Check. Being a MS Word neophyte, having only recently graduated from a Brother Word Processor with five, (count 'em, FIVE!), lines of type on a screen at a time, I somehow used the "replace all" function in a way that corrected my, then-married-name, to Boner. Many, many times. And that's not all. I didn't catch that this time-saving program had changed an ancestor's name from Verena to Venereal before I handed it in. To a professor with no sense of humor. In person.
I think it's good that I was almost out the door of the program when I turned this paper in, or they may have reconsidered my graduation eligibility. Or at least my sobriety. Perhaps they just felt sorry for someone who had the double-hit of two names that make polite company wince.
And then, there's today's double-header, shame-o-rama. The good news about WIFI is that before you finish typing, you have results. Nice, right?...Guess what? If you look up "red wiggler" you *might* not end up at a link for composting resources. You might wish your children were not standing over your shoulder at the time that Google offers "Did you mean...?" NO! I most definitely do NOT want that in my compost ever! Sweet Baby Johnson! Oh crap, I said johnson, that makes it worse. Just... just don't do it, okay? Stick to something innocuous like "composting with worms". Let me be the one to tell you, Internet searches are precise and temperamental things. They, I think, unlike my college professor, do have a sense of humor, and know when it is the most inopportune time to open the portal to ALL variations on a theme.
Also, if you are like me, and a trip to the local Co-op leads you to binge-buy things that you know nothing about but make you feel you may be absolved of other non-organic sins if you take them home, you should do so in a well-informed manner. Do not go home and google "soap nuts" to find out how to use your new ticket to organic, environmentally-friendly standing.
I'm pretty sure if you Google red wigglers and soap nuts in the same day, the government may start a special file for you. However, I will tell you that I learned that when my nuts are no longer useful, I can compost them in the same bin with my wigglers.
And finally, I cannot even begin to figure out how to solve this one, but on our way to exit town, we pass by a "shop" that sells certain accessories. The shop appeals to a certain kind of market. And my five year old observed as we drove by the other night and everything was lit from inside, "Hey Cool! They sell the bubble-maker thing that the caterpillar in Alice In Wonderland uses! Can we go there for my birthday? " My reader, Miss Eight, announces "Hey, I think it's a magic shop. See? It says Magic over the door! Maybe we could have your party there!"
I would look up how to explain this to my children, but I'm afraid of where it may take me. So I've resorted to mime and interpretive dance. At least this way my children are entertained and, if I do say so myself, my mime skills are on-point for the big stuff, such as "Yes" and "No".
I'd look up more, but everything else just seems to get me in trouble.
Let me start you off old school. In the early days of having a computer with Internet service, I would enthusiastically unplug the phone jack from the phone, dutifully plug it into the appropriate computer opening and begin the multi-step, auditory assault that was AOL dial-up. Because I typically lived in the backside of beyond, this was a several minute process. But the Internet and its wonders were new to me and this was all worth it, to be able to look for anything I wanted to know about and have it in 8.3 minutes.
And on this particular day I wanted to know more about my favorite band and when they were playing a concert venue in a nearby state. Like a boss, I typed in "Barenaked Ladies"....and although it was not instant realization, (again, dial-up), it was pretty darn quick that I realized my mistake. I cannot unsee what I have seen....My eyes. They burn like a thousand suns!
Flash forward a year to the days of many reports being written in college settings and the days of my good friend spell-check. Finishing my Family Systems final paper in the wee hours, I relied heavily on Mr. Check. Being a MS Word neophyte, having only recently graduated from a Brother Word Processor with five, (count 'em, FIVE!), lines of type on a screen at a time, I somehow used the "replace all" function in a way that corrected my, then-married-name, to Boner. Many, many times. And that's not all. I didn't catch that this time-saving program had changed an ancestor's name from Verena to Venereal before I handed it in. To a professor with no sense of humor. In person.
I think it's good that I was almost out the door of the program when I turned this paper in, or they may have reconsidered my graduation eligibility. Or at least my sobriety. Perhaps they just felt sorry for someone who had the double-hit of two names that make polite company wince.
And then, there's today's double-header, shame-o-rama. The good news about WIFI is that before you finish typing, you have results. Nice, right?...Guess what? If you look up "red wiggler" you *might* not end up at a link for composting resources. You might wish your children were not standing over your shoulder at the time that Google offers "Did you mean...?" NO! I most definitely do NOT want that in my compost ever! Sweet Baby Johnson! Oh crap, I said johnson, that makes it worse. Just... just don't do it, okay? Stick to something innocuous like "composting with worms". Let me be the one to tell you, Internet searches are precise and temperamental things. They, I think, unlike my college professor, do have a sense of humor, and know when it is the most inopportune time to open the portal to ALL variations on a theme.
Also, if you are like me, and a trip to the local Co-op leads you to binge-buy things that you know nothing about but make you feel you may be absolved of other non-organic sins if you take them home, you should do so in a well-informed manner. Do not go home and google "soap nuts" to find out how to use your new ticket to organic, environmentally-friendly standing.
I'm pretty sure if you Google red wigglers and soap nuts in the same day, the government may start a special file for you. However, I will tell you that I learned that when my nuts are no longer useful, I can compost them in the same bin with my wigglers.
And finally, I cannot even begin to figure out how to solve this one, but on our way to exit town, we pass by a "shop" that sells certain accessories. The shop appeals to a certain kind of market. And my five year old observed as we drove by the other night and everything was lit from inside, "Hey Cool! They sell the bubble-maker thing that the caterpillar in Alice In Wonderland uses! Can we go there for my birthday? " My reader, Miss Eight, announces "Hey, I think it's a magic shop. See? It says Magic over the door! Maybe we could have your party there!"
I would look up how to explain this to my children, but I'm afraid of where it may take me. So I've resorted to mime and interpretive dance. At least this way my children are entertained and, if I do say so myself, my mime skills are on-point for the big stuff, such as "Yes" and "No".
I'd look up more, but everything else just seems to get me in trouble.
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