I'm going to write a new book. It's going to be the biggest hit, beach-read, explosive best seller. It's going to be about the Fifty Shades of No Way.
You're familiar, no doubt with the standard vanilla, missionary style if you will, no.
"Can I have a cookie?"
"No."
But in between yes and no there are shades and shades, and so many fun-and-sanity-be-damned shades of no, from the apotheosis (NO! Stop! Traffic), to the almost yes, ("Hmmmm...Not right now, okay?"), to the 5:31 p.m. version ("Just don't get caught and don't hurt anybody doing it.") *Okay, that one might be my inner voice telling me that two glasses of wine aren't a good idea, but let's be honest we have totally earned them and like hell, is no the answer we are listening to.
So my week in highlights will give you the college freshmen 101 version.
10) The "I'm Your Mom" No: Sister Middle wants to have goldfish crackers and Nutella for breakfast.
9) The "I Don't Care If Everyone Else Has One" No: Sister Big wants a "cellaphone" because "all of the other kids in her (2nd grade) class have one. What does she need it for you might ask? She wants to take pictures and send them to Instagram. Sister Big, you are eight. At this rate, I will expect you to be earning a living by ten and living independently by thirteen. While you think you are big enough and know it all already, (direct quote), I still have to escort you into your darkened bedroom "just in case", so, no.
8) The "Are You Kidding Me?" No: At a graduation ceremony when I ask you to sit in a ladylike fashion so that your privates aren't publics, and your underwear are not on display, I should not ever hear "I'm not wearing any."
7) The "Not Now" No:
"Mom, what does 'poo-bearty' mean?"
"Later."
"It means later?"
"I'll tell you after."
"After what?"
"Once I finish unloading the groceries onto the check-out counter, get us into the car, get us home, have a bracing drink, and think of a good answer."
6) The Unibrow No: Not a missed waxing appointment, but the one raised brow threatening to create more wrinkles than Botox can take on, and clearly indicating rising ire or disbelief to everyone except the child in front of you. Often accompanied with the "Are you serious right now?" or "Are you crazy?" outburst. File under "I dropped my banana in the potty chair. Can I still eat it?"
5) The "UmmmmYeahhhhh" No: A parental no, often used in the following application: "Are you going to save this scribble art I'm claiming to have made for you, (mostly so I don't have to pick it up and put it away), forever? In a frame?"
4) The "If I Eat Three Bites?" No: Most often used by Sister Middle, this is a turning of the tables where what I want (i.e. nutritious food in your belly) is unlikely to happen, thwarted by what you want (i.e. goldfish and Nutella) being presumed to be a payoff if you consume an appropriate amount of food as defined by you, and outlined by the 2015 Convention of InYourDreams. Akin to verbal waterboarding, this exchange wears a Mama down to the point that you will accept three bites in order to end the transaction and move you forward into the next opportunity for refusal.
3) The "Just Trust Me" No: You can;t dye your hair purple right now because I know you well enough to know that as soon as you realize how much attention it will draw you will want it gone and give yourself a haircut to make it happen. Recall pink hair extension through patchy bald spot circa two years ago.
2) The "I'm Lying My Tail Off" No: Reference the following applications: "Mama, do you got to the gym just to get away from us?" "Do you ever wish you didn't have kids Mama?" "Sometimes I think that grown-ups make up facts about food to trick kids into eating gross vegetables."
1) The "Yes That Means NO, (but really means Yes!)" No: Parents of toddlers, stand and be counted. This is the one where No means simply that I have a voice, not really that I don't want it, because I do, (I think), and will cry loudly and in a prolonged fashion until I get the item that I initially refused, UNLESS what I meant was no the whole time, and your repeated offering of it has incensed me to crazed levels of tantrum behavior that no application of "yessing" will resolve. Or will it? Maybe not. Keep offering, maybe I'll want it again. Or not...Fun, no?
And for those of you who need assistance with this, there's a great little product out there that entertains me immensely. In instances where I'm at work and no one has said no in a little while, or when someone asks me a question that requires a sarcastic answer but I'm not ballsy enough to do it myself, this little wonder has eight different ways to get the job done.
You're familiar, no doubt with the standard vanilla, missionary style if you will, no.
"Can I have a cookie?"
"No."
But in between yes and no there are shades and shades, and so many fun-and-sanity-be-damned shades of no, from the apotheosis (NO! Stop! Traffic), to the almost yes, ("Hmmmm...Not right now, okay?"), to the 5:31 p.m. version ("Just don't get caught and don't hurt anybody doing it.") *Okay, that one might be my inner voice telling me that two glasses of wine aren't a good idea, but let's be honest we have totally earned them and like hell, is no the answer we are listening to.
So my week in highlights will give you the college freshmen 101 version.
10) The "I'm Your Mom" No: Sister Middle wants to have goldfish crackers and Nutella for breakfast.
9) The "I Don't Care If Everyone Else Has One" No: Sister Big wants a "cellaphone" because "all of the other kids in her (2nd grade) class have one. What does she need it for you might ask? She wants to take pictures and send them to Instagram. Sister Big, you are eight. At this rate, I will expect you to be earning a living by ten and living independently by thirteen. While you think you are big enough and know it all already, (direct quote), I still have to escort you into your darkened bedroom "just in case", so, no.
8) The "Are You Kidding Me?" No: At a graduation ceremony when I ask you to sit in a ladylike fashion so that your privates aren't publics, and your underwear are not on display, I should not ever hear "I'm not wearing any."
7) The "Not Now" No:
"Mom, what does 'poo-bearty' mean?"
"Later."
"It means later?"
"I'll tell you after."
"After what?"
"Once I finish unloading the groceries onto the check-out counter, get us into the car, get us home, have a bracing drink, and think of a good answer."
6) The Unibrow No: Not a missed waxing appointment, but the one raised brow threatening to create more wrinkles than Botox can take on, and clearly indicating rising ire or disbelief to everyone except the child in front of you. Often accompanied with the "Are you serious right now?" or "Are you crazy?" outburst. File under "I dropped my banana in the potty chair. Can I still eat it?"
5) The "UmmmmYeahhhhh" No: A parental no, often used in the following application: "Are you going to save this scribble art I'm claiming to have made for you, (mostly so I don't have to pick it up and put it away), forever? In a frame?"
4) The "If I Eat Three Bites?" No: Most often used by Sister Middle, this is a turning of the tables where what I want (i.e. nutritious food in your belly) is unlikely to happen, thwarted by what you want (i.e. goldfish and Nutella) being presumed to be a payoff if you consume an appropriate amount of food as defined by you, and outlined by the 2015 Convention of InYourDreams. Akin to verbal waterboarding, this exchange wears a Mama down to the point that you will accept three bites in order to end the transaction and move you forward into the next opportunity for refusal.
3) The "Just Trust Me" No: You can;t dye your hair purple right now because I know you well enough to know that as soon as you realize how much attention it will draw you will want it gone and give yourself a haircut to make it happen. Recall pink hair extension through patchy bald spot circa two years ago.
2) The "I'm Lying My Tail Off" No: Reference the following applications: "Mama, do you got to the gym just to get away from us?" "Do you ever wish you didn't have kids Mama?" "Sometimes I think that grown-ups make up facts about food to trick kids into eating gross vegetables."
1) The "Yes That Means NO, (but really means Yes!)" No: Parents of toddlers, stand and be counted. This is the one where No means simply that I have a voice, not really that I don't want it, because I do, (I think), and will cry loudly and in a prolonged fashion until I get the item that I initially refused, UNLESS what I meant was no the whole time, and your repeated offering of it has incensed me to crazed levels of tantrum behavior that no application of "yessing" will resolve. Or will it? Maybe not. Keep offering, maybe I'll want it again. Or not...Fun, no?
And for those of you who need assistance with this, there's a great little product out there that entertains me immensely. In instances where I'm at work and no one has said no in a little while, or when someone asks me a question that requires a sarcastic answer but I'm not ballsy enough to do it myself, this little wonder has eight different ways to get the job done.
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