This wasn't in the handbook.

Miss 4 frequently asks me questions I can't answer.  My favorite was about two years ago when she fired off the following in rapid order, leaving me no time to answer; "Where do we go when we die?  Who is God?  Can I have chicken nuggets?"  I'll admit it, I let her have the nuggets.  But deep down, beyond that place that questioned the nutritional integrity of processed, compressed, chicken product, was this tiny flicker of fear that has been fanned into a roaring blaze over the last two years.  And it sounds something like the drums in a survivor tribal council ceremony, over which is the panicky thought of "Holy Crap.  They didn't teach me anything about this in school/at the hospital/ in that parenting book!" 

We have entered a phase of sassiness I am completely unprepared for.  In fact, it seems that Miss 4 asks me questions, for the sole purpose of being able to shake her head with pity and say with a slight amount of juvenile sarcasm, "nuh-uh!"  She will argue with me over anything.  And honestly, everything is negotiable in her mind.  Shoes?  Negotiable.  Dinner?  Negotiable.  Underwear?  Negotiable.  And she has a quick reason for why she wants or NEEDS to go around the imposed restriction etc.  Always.  I mean instantly at the ready.  At the drop of a hat.  She doesn't appear to think about it.  It's just there.  So, either she is already smarter than me, or she lies awake at night scripting these scenarios so that she'll be ready.

She has figured out how to outwit her little sister.  It pains me to watch her take her sister's trust and use it to her advantage.  I know that kids do it, and I know that olders trick the youngers.  I get it.  I'm an oldest and I'm sure I was equally evil and conniving.  But, the other day I watched Miss 4 eat the middle of an Oreo, stick the cookie sides together and sweetly offer to trade with her sister, who had barely made a dent in her cookie.  Trading is what we use to get a beloved toy back, or out of harm's way; a distraction that we taught Miss 4 for good, not evil.  I happened to be there that time, and intervened and expressed my displeasure, but I'm not sure my message was received the way I intended it. 

And this is the thing that will keep me awake.  Am I doing a good enough job with the moral education of my kids?  I can forgive the occasional nutritional slip-ups, the chipped fingernail polish I've been meaning to help her take off and haven't gotten to, the occasional snarly, uncombed hair.  How do I know that I'm raising them with heart and soul, goodness and intention?  Where is the rule-book on that little matter?  I don't have the answer...

There Is Enough

Last night Miss 4 committed a particularly egregious act of sibling nastiness against Little One.  It was clearly premeditated and unprovoked.  It was a power-play; a total act of bullying.  I may or may not have over-reacted and sent Miss 4 immediately to bed.  By which I mean no stories, no lullaby, no snuggling and cuddles.  It was in fact nearly bed-time.  For nearly an hour she wailed and flailed and sobbed and moaned theatrically.  When the tempest was over, I went to her room and the following conversation unfolded.

"Miss 4, I will always love you.  I will also always love Little One.  I have enough love for both of you.  I will not ever, EVER, let one of you hurt the other one on purpose"

"But sometimes it doesn't feel like you love me."

"I always love you, even if I don't like the thing you are doing.  I love you even when I'm mad at you."

"It doesn't feel like you love me at all."

"I do.  I show you that I love you when I read to you, do projects with you, help you brush your teeth, keep you safe, snuggle you to sleep, and when I keep you and your sister safe.  I have enough love for both of you."

"I think you only love my sister."...

The conversation lasted much longer, but this is the blow I'm still reeling from.  I too am an oldest child with a younger sister.  I remember feeling like my parents loved my sister more because she was little and cute and never got in trouble.  Is it just a stage that kids, particularly oldest kids, go through?

I do know that there are times when I find myself expecting more, (too much?), from Miss 4 because she is older and I question whether I am giving her enough outward love and approval.  I also know that there are times when Little One takes a nap and we get to do big kids things together and I thoroughly enjoy the benefit of her age.  Does she know how cool I think she is?

So, here is my quandary; I don't want to give too much power to "You don't love me..." because she is sure as shootin' smart enough to use THAT against me indefinitely.  I also don't want to ignore a genuine feeling of imbalance, despite my attempts to give her the best of me as frequently as I can.  Pairing this with recent research that you can actually cause unintentional damage to a child's self-esteem and self-worth by providing too much praise and affirmation, what is a Mama to do?

This morning I have to content myself with the following thought: 

“Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” 

Yes.  There is enough.